Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
