the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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