I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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