My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
