I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
