Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
