I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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