i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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