its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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