why didn't you poke me back
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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