I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
