I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
