Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
