I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
