I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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