running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
