i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
