Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My ATM looks so different sober.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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