I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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