listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
