Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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