I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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