I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
