Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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