I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
