tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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