Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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