Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
