in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We need to get me chipped asap
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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