I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
