Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
