My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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