thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
