I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
