I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My vagina is officially offended.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
