When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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