My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
