She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
