Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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