did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
