I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
