Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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