I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
