does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
