We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
