So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
