i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
