Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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