he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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