I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
