gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
