oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
