new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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