I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
