I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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