i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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