im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
