yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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