so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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