with your own penis?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
